I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
