Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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