Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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