it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
