If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
