Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
