Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
