Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
