I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
