i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i think i have two assholes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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