Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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