you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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