so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i've created a new STD.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
