i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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