just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
