Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
