Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
