fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
