you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
