Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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