first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
