how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
