call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
