Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
