this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
