just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
