he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
