: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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