If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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