you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
