Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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