Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
