Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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