If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
