I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
