there was a trapeze. enough said
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
