Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
