hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
