Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
