I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
