they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
