Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
