Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
