o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
