She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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