I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
