I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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