Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
