New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
