if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
