Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
